Family & Community Resources

Have you ever asked yourself, “How is this kid ever going to make it in the real world?” My late father reflected on this exact question when trying to help guide each of us teens to adulthood. Dad always thought he had the solutions to our problems. I never failed to counter why his solutions were unrealistic. This exchange of disagreement almost always ended with dad saying, “Rocky Dean, I tell ya’ what. You can walk a horse to the pail but you just cannot make em’ drink” and he would walk away.

 

In my teenage mind, I had won. But, in reality, I did not win and Dad just “washed his hands of my stubbornness.” It was in graduate school when I realized what Dad was attempting to achieve all those years ago; to teach me to independently evaluate problems and develop appropriate solutions. The critical problem with his approach was that he was trying to give a “know it all teenager” the answer. But, my dad was correct in his pursuit to teach me problem solving skills. These skills are the foundation to healthy habits, healthy relationships, developing independent living skills for adulthood, and are an evidence-based intervention for helping individuals to self-regulate their emotions.

 

Learning to problem solve is like learning to play a banjo; “good banjo players spend a lot of time tuning their banjos” (Tucker Childers). The more time your teen spends tuning their problem-solving skills, they are more likely to make safer, healthier, and calmer decisions.

 

Step 1: Your teen comes to you with a problem. [Pause before you deliver a solution]

Step 2: Ask your teen how they might solve the problem. Have them think about a minimum of 3 different solutions.

Step 3: Ask your teen to identify the positive and negative outcomes for each solution. These can include the impact on them, the family, their friends, the community. Be certain to avoid statements like, “That will not work because ___”.

Step 4: Ask your teen to identify which solution they would like to first try.

Step 5: Encourage your teen to use the solution. Set up a follow-up meeting to discuss how things went.

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If you feel the urge to give an option to your teen, you can use a question to allow them to independently think through the option (e.g., how do you think that solution might work on a rainy day? How do you think that solution might impact your siblings?)

 

One final note to remember: “Nobody learns to juggle without dropping a few balls.” (Tucker Childers) Allow your teens to juggle through their solutions and be there to support them when they fail.